When it comes to various modes of communication, I’m much more effective via the written word than I am through verbal discourse.  It’s been that way for as long as I can remember.  And if my dialogue happens to be extemporaneous?  Well, then you can just forget hearing me utter anything remotely articulate.  I fall apart, my thoughts and words turning haphazard and rambling.  And in the moment, my arguments become so poorly reasoned, so weakly constructed, that I’m convincing absolutely no one, least of all myself.

I think the difficulty I have with any “off the cuff” exchange has more to do with my being overly influenced by emotion and less to do with any malfunction in cognitive processing.

Because I am both self-centered and myopic, I first consider this theory and how it pertains to me.

“Does this mean that I’m a good writer, but I’ll never be successful because I fall apart in person?   My life is such an embarrassing disaster–nobody will ever believe my work legitimately came from me.  Who will ever take me seriously?”

I then discuss the National Crisis that is ” Kristen and her Writing” at length with my parents, whose unconditional loves bids them do so.  Readers, did you happen to catch that uppercase W?  That may indicate significance.  You might consider making a note. ***Sarcasm***

When they are unavailable to pander to my self-obsessed verbal loop about me and my “Writing”, I debate the concept with any random stranger who makes eye contact at the market, God save them.  Just kidding!  I’d bet most readers aren’t fooled into believing that last statement;  I’m far too socially awkward for that kind of wild abandon.  Unless, that is,  I happen to be with my Dad.  If that were the case, I’d have miraculously gleaned at least iota of his charisma that he seems to radiate in endless supply.  I’ve subconsciously dubbed it his “Host Charisma” which is Warm, Loud and Silly.

In contrast, when I am with my Mom, I also absorb a segment of her personality.  When I was growing up, I spent much more time around her than with my dad, so I’d venture to say my personality developed more closely to hers.  She has a Charisma which is Cool, Quiet, and Quirky.

Ok, that became tangential very quickly.  I feel pretty sheepish since I’ve spent the last few paragraphs expounding on the direct nature of my writing, but, as evidenced, I get easily distracted in any forum.   ***Incidentally, I’ve switched psychiatric medicines once again, just prior to Christmas actually, and the “Flight of Ideas” symptom should hopefully be curtailed soon.  Getting back to the main point, I’d recently been discussing with reasonable frequency  obsessing over the disparity in communicative skills when my second-youngest brother, Mark, interrupted my mom and I because he was struggling to communicate.  Mark is fifteen years old and has severe Autism.

Mark was diagnosed at 18 months old and also has Apraxia of speech, which is a motor speech disorder.  This is when there is difficulty connecting speech from the brain to the mouth.  Apraxia affects nearly 65 percent of children with autism.  Do not misunderstand.  This is just one disability of the myriad that comprise his Autism.  Those diagnosed can be anywhere on the spectrum.  Unfortunately, both he and my youngest brother, Aaron, who is thirteen, are on the profound end of the Autism Spectrum.

Aaron, while also profoundly Autistic, is slightly higher functioning than Mark, but interestingly, non-verbal.  His Apraxia is worse than Mark’s, but his cognitive ability is more advanced.  He is able to write words and communicate at a rudimentary level to indicate if he is hungry, feeling aggressive, or wants to do an activity.

Mark’s Apraxia limits him to a few “words” that sound sort of like a baby’s babbling when they’re learning to speak.  He’s very low functioning, and has disabling anxiety, cognitive impairment, and difficulty self-regulating his moods.  Compounding that, he has sensory and pain issues that he’s unable to explain in clear, coherent language.  And unlike Aaron, he’s unable write as an alternative form of communication.

So, for me to talk endlessly about how my brain feels clicking onto that one perfect word, versus how ineffective I sometimes feel speaking in person, well, I guess I should talk about it less and write about it more.

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If you are interested in learning more about Autism Spectrum Disorder, check out my other related posts: Autism 101 and Autism Awareness Month.  You can also visit Autism Speaks.org to learn more about Apraxia and Autism Spectrum Disorder.