Leveling Out

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Everyday! is an emotional roller coaster in The Bipolar Mind, but yesterday seemed just a little more level than in days previous.  I’m taking this as a good sign and trying not to give in to The Ever Present Anxiety tapping me on the shoulder, helpfully reminding me that it’s not okay to enjoy any degree of relief, because, rest assured, the hammer’s coming down, oh yes indeed, it’s only a matter of time.  **Rubs hands together evilly**...oh wait, is that Purell? 

I wrote until I reached the point at which time everything was sounding contrived, so I knew I needed to work out.  Exercise has always helped me with brainstorming, but Running is especially effective.

During my run, I was thinking about how the activity of running itself  is like this Amazing Idea Machine:  I’m picturing something similar to Dr. Seuss’s Sneetches’ Star Removal Machine, but instead of Sneetches with or without stars on their bellies, the machines are producing millions of good and bad ideas for a runner’s brain to process, accept or discard.

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The nostalgic imagery of The Sneetches had prompted me to research the story when I got home.  A few of the websites discussing Dr. Seuss’s publications claimed The Sneetches story has a shockingly anti-Semitic undertone, which I believe was completely unintentional and really reaching.

Honestly, I think that if you examine something closely enough and for long enough, you are certain to find something to which you object.

Anyhow, Dr. Seuss is amazing.  And most definitely not anti-Semitic.

ALSO, my run was amazing and quite productive as far as brainstorming is concerned.  It was 62 degrees when I left the house and very sunny.  I couldn’t find my gloves today.  Because I haven’t really been running outside much lately, I don’t have extreme weather gear “at the ready”, so when I decided to impulsively go for a run, it was socks on the hands or get frostbite and potentially lose some digits.

I looked outstanding and definitely not crazy.

Joking aside, I do have Raynaud’sbut that can flare up when I’m inside my house and at any time of the year, not just outside, during the winter months.

Running is really hard on my body; but it is so good for my mind.  I dread the time when my body finally breaks down and no longer tolerates running even a handful of days a month.  I’m not freaking out in an eating disordered, poor body image way (although I don’t deny that being a problem); this is purely chemical.  This is me needing running for emotional and cognitive regulation.  

It’s like rebooting a computer.  You don’t know why it fixes the problem; it just does.    

Yoga’s been suggested countless times, and still, I remain skeptical.  I just don’t see it working for me.  I can’t be calm: I will worry.  I can’t be still: I will fall asleep.

It’s hard enough for me to sit down long enough to type this.  If I am having a particularly bad OCD day and I want to focus on writing, I literally have to lock myself in my own bedroom so that the rest of my house won’t distract me.

I’ve seen what yoga can do, and I know one needs to be made of some tough stuff to do it, but I’d prefer to be less “present” and more “checked out”.   And I already know what my yogi friends are going to say here: that doing yoga will keep my body healthy to give me more of the running days that I want.  😛

When it comes down to it, the activity that my brain, my emotions, my psyche collectively need to “reset” is not in strength asanas, flexibility, breathing or balance. I need something with a steady cadence; to just get up and go.

Cycling is a close second, and that’s where the resistance trainer comes in.  It’s nice having it, because when I do get a little light bulb over my head, I can grab my voice recorder, pretend to be House, M.D., and record whatever random idea comes to mind.  And between doing that (Words), taking my (Meds), and working on my garden (Plants), I am Leveling Out.

Thank you for indulging me and please enjoy a short clip of Sneetches being Sneetches:


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